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Dirty jokes

Collection of maybe the funnies Dirty jokes in internet.

So a kid has sex for the first time

So a teen boy came home from a day hanging out with his friends one day to his mom in the kitchen.
‘I had sex for the first time today…’ he says.

His mother slaps him and says ‘go to your room until your father gets home…’

Later on that night his father arrives home and the first thing the mother says is ‘you’d better go talk to your son… He had sex for the first time today.’ to which the father replies ‘yes honey. I will go talk to him…’

The father walks upstairs into the sons room and says ‘son I’m proud that you had sex for the first time today. your mom isn’t too happy about it… But since you’ve reached a big milestone so why don’t we go and get the dirt bike you’ve always wanted?’

The son looks down at the floor. and replies ‘damn dad. that sounds sweet but my ass still hurts.’

50 shades of golf

Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is to leave. Jack’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going and that she’s got something else planned. Naturally. Jack’s mates are very upset that he can’t go. but what can they do.
Two days later. the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! ‘Wow. Jack. how long you been here. and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?’ they say with astonishment.
‘Well. actually. I’ve been here since last night. You see yesterday evening. I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked. ‘Guess who?’ I pulled her hands off. and there she was. wearing only a see-through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. On her bedside table I saw the book ’50 Shades of Grey’. She had lit candles and sprinkled rose petals around and on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! Then she slipped off her nightie. laid on the bed and said. ‘Okay tie me up. hand-cuff me to the bed. and do whatever you want.’
‘So. here I am!’

Tony and Maria get married

Tony and Maria get married and they’re spending their honeymoon night at her mother’s house. Maria, being a good Italian girl, is a virgin, and has never seen a naked man. The newlyweds go upstairs and start getting undressed.

Tony takes his shirt off, and Maria shrieks and runs downstairs where her mother is making some tomato sauce.

“Momma, momma! Tony has a hairy chest!” cries Maria.

“Men are supposed to have hairy chests, go back upstairs.”

So Maria sheepishly goes back upstairs.

When she gets back, Tony starts pulling off his pants, and again, Maria shrieks and runs downstairs.

“Momma, momma! Tony has hairy legs!”

“Men are supposed have hair legs, go back upstairs.”

And back upstairs she goes. When she gets back, she watches Tony pull off his socks and notices he’s missing three toes on his left foot. He explains he got his foot stepped on by a horse and lost those toes. Once more, Maria runs downstairs.

“Momma, momma! Tony has a foot and a half!”

“Stir the sauce, honey, momma will handle this.”

The nude beach

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach. he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s. and asked her why.
She told her son. ‘The bigger they are the dumber the person is.’
The boy pleased with the answer. goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger ‘units’ than his dad.
His mother replied. ‘The bigger they are the dumber the person is.’ Again satisfied with this answer. the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after. the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother. ‘Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach. and the longer he talks. the dumber he gets.’

A cop is out on patrol

A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover’s lane, with the windows all steamed up.

He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.

“What are you up to here, son?”

“Well, officer, I’m reading a magazine, as you can see.”

“And what’s she doing back there?”

“I think she’s playing a game on her phone.”

“Have you been drinking tonight?”

“No, sir. I’m only twenty.”

“And how old is she?”

The guy looks at his watch and says, “Sir, in eleven minutes she’ll be eighteen.”

Professional assassin

So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?”


“What if you miss?”

He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”

“Okay, we’ll I’ve got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”

“Let’s go,” the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off.”

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks.

“Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000.”